The Brave Reason For My Name

Sunday and my twentieth COVID Blog.

Before this pandemic started and at the beginning of this year I made a pledge with myself to be brave.

In the past I have been called brave, I am not. I have endured circumstances that left me no choice, it was not bravery but necessity.

The maxim “Do one thing everyday that scares you” is attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt but those are not the words she said:

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.”

These words, her words, feel far more powerful and I do not think you should do something that frightens you each day but I do believe we need to be brave. In doing so, we gain those qualities.

So far, I feel I have been a little brave this year and in different ways. The first was inviting my family and friends to my poetry performances. Before, I have always wanted to perform on my own and amongst strangers.

For some, being alone may seem brave but for me it is the opposite. When I perform in plays I always invite my family and friends as it isn’t me, I am playing a part. When I am me, it is far scarier as they are my words not someone else’s, words that begin in my soul. I feel through doing this, I gained a little courage.

Recently, I stood up for an injustice on behalf of others and myself for something I believed was unkind and unfair. I spoke my truth. I was listened to and told it had made a difference. My bravery gave me strength, kindness matters.

I think perhaps bravery, which is never the same in any one person, also gave me the courage to seek and I have no idea why it has taken me so very long. I think perhaps I have just always thought it was not possible due to the fact I had tried before and failed but courage can be fulled through others if you only ask.

My cousin David is incredible at tracing family history he has documented my father’s family, our family and we each have a copy. As my attempts were futile I asked if he could find, that which I had been searching for. I didn’t hold out much hope, I thought it was a lost cause, such a long time ago, situations and recorded events were not as they are now.

I underestimated his power, within an hour he had found something which perhaps I have been looking for throughout my life, a chance to give validation, to a life I was never meant to share.

There is a reason for my name:

This is a story that I have told before but not one that everyone knows. It is not something you discuss everyday. When I have revealed my history, it has always been for a reason.

When people ask if I have brothers or sisters I always proclaim that I am an only child except, I am not.

It has always felt strange, what I really want to say is that I have an older brother who was born asleep but I don’t, it feels inappropriate and awkward, as a society we veer from the difficult.

After my brother’s birth my mum and dad were told they should not try to have another child, that it would be too dangerous for my mother.
Whilst my brother was alive in her womb they had both been fighting for survival, this was related to a complaint called Rhesus Disease coupled with further complications in relation to another condition of my mother’s health, something she endured throughout her life.
Rhesus Disease is now uncommon and thankfully preventive, this being due to advances in medical science.

My mum was so incredibly brave, she was adamant that she needed to try. So, against all medical advice but with careful monitoring, a prolonged stay in hospital with help from an insightful and caring consultant and the fact that my blood was of a different type to my brother, I was born; premature, tiny, placed in an incubator, but breathing.

One of my close friends is a midwife, she shared with me the term used for babies that are born sleeping. “Stillborn but still born ” there is so much beauty in that statement that it takes my breath away.

As a mother, I can only imagine the hurt that my parents and most especially my mother went through, to give birth to a baby she would never see or hold in her arms.

With help from my cousin David in finding my brother’s resting place which was not easy, an unmarked grave, buried with a stranger which was common practice at the time, I found the courage to face something I knew would feel me with sadness, this week and after all these years I found my brother.

I laid a sunflower, they are special to me for so many reasons. They are the colour of sunshine, happiness and for me they represent life. I needed to represent life, a life lost but not forgotten.

I also found an unexpected memorial near his grave. There must have been so many tiny lives lost to warrant such a statue.

My brother was born in 1960.

I needed to tell my brother that I was sorry, that I wished I had known him. I have always had a feeling that if he had survived, there was a chance I may not have been here. Perhaps it is the reason I have such a strong and overwhelming need to validate life and why it has always felt so inherent.

I hope I have now done this. It matters, he mattered, love matters, this is the way I choose to finally validate his life as poetry means so very much to me:

Babies born after such a sadness, babies lost that were not meant to be on this earth, when they arrive are known as ‘Rainbow Babies’ a fairly recent term I feel, as I don’t ever remember being referred to by this special name. I have always just been ‘Joy’ with the obvious connotation that speaks for itself.

A name when growing up as a teenager I really didn’t like, it felt old fashioned I knew no one of my age that had my name. I grew up in a world of Karen, Tracey and Sharon and I wanted to be similar. I could never hide, my unusual name always seemed to be remembered.

I believe we grow into our names, we do not choose them instead they choose us and each one has a story, a shared history of why.

As a grown up I love my name, I love it is unique, I love it is remembered, for it bears my parents brave and beautiful reason.

And I will endeavour to continue to be brave.

Stay Safe,

Joy 🌈 xxx